Thursday, June 4, 2009

So back to the knocked up cow

And yet again, I'm not referring to myself. I mean that term probably could be applied these days but we won't go there.

The boys and I went down to wander around fields the other day in my attempt to wear them out to explore and for the first time since the cows were moved over to their "summer house" (a wider field for them to roam) they were up by the gates. As soon as they locked eyes on the boys they hurried over.

If your thinking my children have some type of kinetic energy that attracts animals you'd be wrong. They often come bearing food. We're talking a strictly Pavlovian response here.

But this was the first time we had spied one of the preggo cows in a while. YIKES. I'm thankful I'm human. She was HUGE. And looking quite miserable.

I've never really seen a miserable looking cow. And, since living here, I've seen a cow slaughtered so that's saying something.

But back to the cow. We shared a moment. She looked at me and at my ever expanding midsection and she gave me "the look". The look that said, "I'm done, I'm cooked (although not literally and please don't tell the farmer that), get this calf out, by the way you look great I hate you bitch."

Ok so I added the last part, but really her look did kinda make me think she was a little jealous of my butt. But then again she doesn't have back fat or stretch marks so I'm jealous about that.

And I could sympathize with her poor expression. What her eyes didn't say her waddle did.

I mean I know cows are big creatures and don't exactly move with the speed and grace such as horses do, but really, this poor thing was waddling around. Trust me nothing can make you feel worse for a cow then watching it waddle around huffing and puffing.

And cankles. She had cankles, poor thing, a cow with cankles. And udders that would have put Anna Nicole to shame.

Great now that I can't imagine the searches I'm going to get now that I've used udders and Anna Nicole in the same post.

I hope she delivers soon and gets her svelte cow figure back. And an epidural.


  1. A waddling cow?! Haha! I'd like to see that. You need to video tape that the next time.

  2. oh my god woman, you had me DYING laughing with this post!

    I mean first, the I hate you bitch, and then the what her eyes didn't say her waddle did.. ahahah.

    l.o.v.e. it. :)

  3. i dont know how on earth you can make me shoot my breakfast shake out of my mouth but you have succeeded!!!! i always get excited to see you have a new post up cuz i know that 9 times out of 10 its going to be freaking hilarious! SO thanks! :)

  4. You are such a talented and hilarious writer! I'm so happy I found your blog.
    Thanks for the laugh this morning. Poor cow... :)

  5. hahaha, I couldn't stop laughing while I was reading this post. Thanks!

  6. Hahahahaha, this post was too funny. The poor cow!

  7. Oh my word - just picturing that was enough for me. Yeesh!!

    PS: I need your e-mail address again for the pay it forward thingy. I know i Have it somewhere, but have been way too pooped to search for it lately. ha!

  8. If it makes you feel better for the cow, the fact that she walks on all fours means that her delivery will be much easier than that of an average human woman. When humans evolved to walk upright, the hips narrowed and the birth canal shrank, which led to more difficult and painful labor.

    It's great being a human, eh?

  9. Ah hahahahahahhahaha.

    That DOES put some perspective on the whole thing, doesn't it? Cow cankles have got to be the worst.

  10. SERIOUSLY. I LOVE YOU. Is that weird? Do you feel awkward knowing that? Because you make my day all the time.

    You, my dear, have a gift.

  11. This post needs a photo! Poor thing. I feel for her too. So hot and waddling a bit here myself - I can't imagine how miserable she must be. Hopefully that calf will come soon. And, I'm am sure the title could not be applied to you. :)

  12. HA! Laughing my hiney off! :D Too funny, esp the jealousy, which of course I am sure you are completely accurate in intuiting. HA!

    Oh and no need for guilt about letting the kids play (on your bed!) while you relax... been there, done that, kids doing really well! :D

  13. I hope that cow delivers fast.

  14. OMG I laughed so hard I have tears running down my cheeks!!! I grew up around cattle and there are just those who do look miserable, the same look I had at the end of all 3 of mine! Hang in there, your in the homestretch!


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