Sunday, March 9, 2014

Puzzled by pee



I'm puzzled by something.  Truly confused. My dear children, all boys, all of whom I'd give my life for, can not seem to get their pee IN the toliet bowl. 

Here's the thing, we don't have some odd ball, confusing toilet with a teeny tiny bowl.  I'm not asking them to get their pee in a hole the size of a teacup.  Its a standard toliet with a big ol' opening for them.

Yet everytime I walk into the bathroom, there is pee everywhere but the inside of the bowl.

I'm losing my mind.

I find myself having actual debates with myself about which is worse, stepping in someones pee or sitting in it. 

FYI, both piss me off something fierce and can elicit quite a colorful response.

This is going to catch you by surprise but as a mom and a woman, I don't have much experience standing up to pee.  Actually with the exception of one bullshit family vacation when I was 9 and we were "waterfall hunting" in the woods in Georgia I make it a firm rule that I don't pee unless my ass is firmly planted on a seat.  Some woman can squat, my superpower is holding it till I can sit on a clean toilet.

I've gone so far lately as to put a piece of tape on the floor and tell them their feet must be standing on the line when they pee. Thought for sure that would work.  Till someone got their pee on the line and then I was trying to get pee soaked tape off my floor.  {Insert another colorful response here}

I've told them that their legs must hit the bowl.  I've started making them come back in and wipe the seat off, I've made them sit in it {mom, that's so, so gross!}, I'm a week away from making them lick the pee off.  But I'm sure that's probably not the best parenting practice.

Here's the things I know wont work { besides all of the above}... sitting to pee and cheerios.  It ain't happening.  They are boys, they will be men, men stand.  Sexist I know what can I say, as it is I'm taking a break from being barefoot in the kitchen to type this.  I also know some people say put cheerios in the toliet.  That might have worked when they were little.  Trust me, if they can't be bothered to get it in the big hole, they can't be bothered to get the cheerios. 

So, I don't have many options left.  Just know that I will win this war.  Eventually.  I can not allow three males to go into the big bad world peeing all over the seat, I owe it to the three ladies they will one day marry.  I owe it to women everywhere.  I'm fighting this battle for all of women kind.

If nothing else works, I'm just going to start banishing them to pee outside.  Course, they'd probably like that.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Perspective Needed



So my husband told me I need some perspective.  I refrained from telling him what I thought.

Ok. I lied.  I didn't refrain from anything.  It was a weak moment.

I do have perspective, I realize how very lucky I am everyday.  Its just been a kinda shitty week.  While I can never understand what he goes thru on deployments, he can't understand what its like to be the one left behind.  Left behind with life to deal with, coming at you at lightening speed, jumping from issue to issue.  Someone scratching your little ones face off at school, to another kid going on a multiple day total hunger strike.

To remind me why I'm so very lucky, I'm committing them to paper - or rather the interwebs, where Lord knows crap probably last longer these days.

I'm thankful that my husband is here or there, even if it means that it feels like he's anywhere but here, it means he has a job.

I'm thankful that I've spent $1700 in home heating oil in the last 3 mths, it means not only do I have a home, but I have the means to keep it warm. {or 63* but compared to outside that's freakin' balmy)

I'm thankful that although emails are short and hit and miss, we can have "conversations"

I'm thankful I'm writing big checks to swim and football, it means my kids are healthy, happy and involved.

I'm thankful that I sat in a bowl of cold toilet water this morning, it means finally, someone is figuring out to put up the flippin' toilet seat!

I'm thankful that my kids are dbags when my husbands away, hear me out on this one, it means they have a strong relationship with their loving, involved father who they miss terribly when he isn't home.

I'm thankful for Macklemore, who despite being an ACLU loving liberal douche makes some great running music.

I'm thankful for my treadmill, which is not my favorite place in the world, but I'm pretty sure it has kept me from killing someone in the past few weeks.

I'm thankful my inlaws are a-holes, because I'm closer to my SIL now that they are out of the way. And she's totally my deployment wife.

I'm thankful for twitter, twitter is fabulous, its more of a sanity saver then the treadmill.  And its good for a laugh and a time suck.

I'm thankful my husband tells me about the horrible things that go on where he is, it stresses me out immensely, but I realize how very precious life is and how I'm lucky that he's safe and sound.


Thursday, February 27, 2014

Deployment Stride



I feel like we've hit our deployment stride.  About damn time, we are in week five.

There really is a reason for the dwell time, its to regroup, re-energize, forget the misery, get your balls ready for the next round that you know is inevitably coming, much like pregnancy.   We didn't have too much of that, six measly months. And he was still flying though not at his usual breakneck pace {but I can still tell you to the minute how long he was gone}.  I thought the lack of time would be better, we'll fall right back into our routine, the kids will be super cool this go round, and hey, clearly I'm super mom since I just survived 7mths on my own!  SUPER MOM!

Clearly, I was an idiot. That's what I was.  

A big ol' dummy dum dum.

Sure we fell back into our routine. I went back into being the solo parenting like a snap of the fingers. Deployment dinners made a quick comeback.  Even our constant box at the head of the table where we toss in good school work, pictures we made, and other random crap er, stuff to send hubs is back in his place.

I got a little cocky, like 3 days in, I got this shit. I'm making this deployment my bitch.

But. Then the kids go a week or two without talking to their father and one kid starts crying himself to sleep at night and another gets super angry that you wonder if you should get a taste tester.  He's pissed his father had to go away again. 

Then our credit card got compromised in the Target breech and that was a hot mess.  {Straightened out}

Oh and I got a collections bill in the mail from a past state I lived in. {Straightened out}

Then the third kid gets something that the military hospital told us could be flu or pneumonia but wont really narrow it down, all I know is I had a sick kid with a 104 fever I was still dragging all over creation.  {He's healthy now, after 2 wks}
 
Every time I go into the bathroom someone has peed on the seat and while I've offered some constructive advice {perhaps in a very loud voice} I'm not really seen as the authority figure on upright peeing. 

And its like -10 with 26 inches of snow on the ground.  {Hey tomorrow is -15!}

And I was in a nasty funk and while I'm hanging my head in shame I was guilty of not sending the nicest emails to my husband. Nothing outwore hostile, well, maybe a little. {I've nipped this shit in the bud}

And in case you are still wondering the oldest still hates me and the middle kid is still crying, although not as much.

Something had to give.

But then it hit me. I started this deployment in my mind as a continuation of the last deployment.  It's not. It's its own special beast that needs to be tamed.  A feat to be tackled. 

Now, he's still deployed, I'm still here, one kid still hates me and the other two are peeing on the toilet seat at the cyclic rate but I can make of it what I want.  And I don't want to be miserable.  I'm a parent, I don't need help in the guilt or misery department.

So I'm making this deployment my bitch. 

Yes it feels like we didn't have enough time in between.  On the bright side its not as long of a deployment. But whatever, it is what it is. I'm going to get healthier, I'm going to keep the kids as together as I can without totally becoming a pushover or opting to give anyone away.  I'm going to try to give each one of them the one on one time they so desperately need, while trying to do that some for myself. 

I can do this.  This isn't the first deployment I've knocked out, honestly, its all mental and I just had to come to that realization. Again.  6 months later.