Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The honesty of it all

Blogs are what we make of them. It's a chance for people to get a glimpse at what you allow them to see. I think it's natural in a way, despite airing our lives out on a webpage, that people self censor. Who wants to put all the ugliness of their lives out there. Who wants to admit self doubt, self pity, hell the occasional bout of self loathing? Not many.

Including myself. I know I tend to write fluff pieces a lot. I whine and complain about this and that, but all in all, nothing of great importance or anything that could be labeled as anything but fluff with a sense of humor.

So when I write that I am tired and fed up and the person I'm fed up and tired with is primarily me it's not an easy task. I've been going over and over this in my head for most of the day. And when it comes down to it, I'm human and this is my space. And today has been one of those days.

I know I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I am blessed, truly blessed to have two amazing children in my life and one on the way. But dammit if I'm not just feeling like a dud lately. As if this motherhood thing just isn't fitting me the way it should and that I'm just scarring my children in the process.

And now we are bringing a third into the picture?!

What's wrong with me? Why doesn't motherhood just glide along seamlessly enough?

I look at other blogs and other moms and they seem so much more together then myself. Something tells me they aren't feeling at wits end because they can't get their kids to eat dinner, the dinner that they made to their exact specifications. Or fighting with their 2 year old to get them to stay in bed at night.

I hate that I feel like a horrible mom because I am jealous, yes I admitted it, I am jealous that my husband gets to go away and I can't shower without an audience. I know I'm blessed to have such wonderful kids but I just need a break. And it seems that I just can't get one. Or I don't know how to take one. Or that I feel like I don't deserve one.

I hate that when I share this with my husband he makes me feel just awful for thinking these things. I don't think he realizes how hard it can be sometimes. Or at least how hard it feels.

Maybe I should be stronger. Perhaps in all harsh truth that is it.

I wouldn't even describe it as overwhelmed or wits end. I don't know what it is. I just feel like I'm a big meanie. That everything is getting to me and I'm not reacting as I should be.

I had to corral the kids at the car service place for close to two hours, they were probably ok but I just wanted them to sit still, and I still have issues with my damn car's inspection so that still needs to be dealt with which means dragging them back; dinner was a nightmare, I had to yell to get them into the bath, then out of the bath, then wrangle them into jammies, and bedtime made dinnertime look like fun. Oh and the mouse. It is indeed dead. But its stuck in the wall. Behind the dishwasher so my kitchen has a funk to it.

And now I have a headache from not just from my headcold but I'll be honest I've been crying. And my dinner burnt while I was sobbing.

And again, we're having a third?! What's wrong with me. Screwing up the first two wasn't enough I had to go for the hat trick?

Brutal honesty is just that. Brutal.

There isn't any way to paint it up to look pretty. I wish there was maybe it would make me feel better.

I want to be a great mom and I think sometimes I'm a pretty good darn one but sometimes I just feel like this. That I'm failing miserably.

26 comments:

  1. This is my new blog (PrettyYouMayBe.blogspot.com), getting rid of the other one :)

    Now, I'm not a mother, but it seems to me that all women go through exactly what you're feeling. If it seems like other mothers online are not going through it, it's probably because they censor those feelings just as you have in the past. You sound like a GREAT mom, and I mean that!

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  2. Alright Mrs. From what I've read, you are a damn good mother! Yes, I broke out the curse words (which I rarely do). That being said, allow yourself to be in this funk. It's going to happen from time to time. Own up to it, accept it, then start digging yourself out of it (when you are ready... don't rush your feelings). I am obviously not a mom... but sometimes I feel like one with my clients. There are days where I feel like I'm the best darn CNA there is... and then there are days I'm ready to throw in the hat. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that I don't and won't always feel that way. Remember the good times... those precious memories that make all of the crap worth it in the end!

    You are a single mom the majority of the time.. with two young boys. And all of you are still living, breathing, laughing, and loving! If that doesn't make you an incredible mom, I don't know what does!

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  3. Ok, I am a mom and I have been where you are. We all have. Don't let our "togetherness" fool you. We have all had a toddler who has melted down at an inappropriate moment. We have all had to throw away an uneaten dinner. We have all yelled at our children. And we have all felt like failures at one time or another. It is normal. Add to that the fact that you are single parenting much of the time and you are more than normal. Super Normal? Just know this, you are loving your children, warts and all and that is the most important thing. They know that you love them. They will be ok. It is their job to test us and they are really good at their jobs. Hang in there and use your blog to vent. We are out here to help you!!!

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  4. yes, yes, and YES! There are others out there (including me!) who go have the same thoughts, but then I look at my kids and can tell that I am doing ok! And no, my husband will never understand what it's like to be "on" 24/7 with no relief in sight. My mom made it seem effortless with us 3 kids (she was a submariner's wife), but when I ask her about it she just laughs and tells me she had the same feelings, but back then wives expected less from their spouses in the way of caring for children so she wasn't as disappointed, lol! My crowning moment was having a pap smear with my 2 year old playing with the contents of my purse behind me...nothing screams "what has become of me?" like that one :) .....I for one understand completely, and hang in there! I started my own blog out of the insanity of being a "single mom - but not really"...I needed a place to vent and "talk" about things that interest me with other interested adults...conversation with preschoolers gets very tedious day after day after day! We are here listening and supporting you, so go ahead and have your bad days, it's good for you :)

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  5. I have felt and on same days, sometimes many days, feel the same as you!! I know there have been times when I have flown off the handle when it wasn't really necessary. But you know what? If you ask my kids if I am mean, they say no, but I feel like I am about 90% of the time. With GQ being deployed, and even when he is home, he is TDY so much of the time, it really is left to me for the most part. I tend to bury myself in books or just gabbing to friends. I really pray that you will feel peace within you soon!!! You are not alone, and if my kids weren't in school I would drive up to you and help you out!! Hope your day gets better!!!!

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  6. OH Girl, I have so been there (or in my case are there right now too)I have been there all the way down the the dead mouse in the kitchen How about that? (except mine came from the messy neighbors and was stuck behind my stove) LOL! I get so sick when people always say, I don't know how you do it with your husband gone all the time." It takes everything in me to try not to backhand some sense into them (and I am not the type to resort to violence) and say, you know what I don't know how I do it either but I am no super hero and I hate it and am no stronger than anyone else. I miss the heck out of him, it kills me to see my children cry for him, I miss my family and sometime the stress is just beyond overwhelming. Yes, I too get so jealous when I hear about couples taking frequent weekend trips together and dropping the kids off at the grandparents. I would LOVE to go get my nails done without having to bring the kids along heck I have even taken them before into a tanning salon LOL! The truth is sometimes (scratch that) most of the time everything feels chaotic and out of control. Don't blame yourself. That is what we tend to do. Just make sure to take time to breath when you can (I know that time is rare) sometimes I just let the clean laundry pile up in their basket because dog gone it, it just isn't worth sweating you know. Do what you can when you can and just love on those babies of yours when you can. You will be glad you did. The truth is we are under A LOT of stress and it is HARD and with that comes frustration and so many other negative feelings. I have always hesitated to put things out on my blog because I have been "told off" by other military spouses that I need to "toughen up" and my favorite one "You chose to marry a military man so live with it" How's that for support? Gosh that last one really really really gets under my skin. Great support huh? LOL! Well, we all deal with things different, I know who I married and what he does for a living but dog gone it it doesn't make me exempt from having feelings and emotions. I am entitled to that it is part of being Human and so are you. Well, I am stepping off my soapbox of support now. Hang in there, you are NOT alone in your feelings! BIG HUGS!!

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  7. UMMM i feel like I just wrote that. I think when i get back from disney and flyboy gets home we need to meet in jersey with no kids other then the one in your belly for an afternoon or just us. We both need and deserve it. I'm always afraid (and well bc it usually happens) that when i tell waterboy how i feel it will just be turned around. Dont get me wrong my husband works his butt off and the work never ends (you should see the phone they just gave him just what he needs to be able to read his email at home) but he still gets to come home from his job. While at 9 pm i'm running up and down the stairs bc a certain 4 year old wont go to bed on top of waiting on him hand and foot. Last night he got home from dinner earlier then i thought at like 9 then at like 10 had the nerve to ask me to make him a peanut buter and jelly sandwich. I mean come on you got to eat at your favorite resturant with your friends and no kids and you have the nerve to ask for a sandwich (of course i didnt say that). Anyway call me later while i clean my house bc he invited his friends to spend two nights since all their stuff was picked up already

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  8. From what I've read you've always been a great mother! Everyone has moments where they become fatigued and I bet you've just reached yours. I'm not a mom so I don't know but from everything that I've seen from people I know and on here. You are a great mom! You'll be ok, whatever this is you'll be fine!

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  9. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention. You are pregnant. Obviously you know this but make sure to try to remind yourself that your emotions are going to be more "out of whack" right now. That is an added stress emotionally as well. Don't forget it will all mellow out and things WILL GET BETTER!!! We all cry...heck I know my doctor would laugh at me cause I am just pushing 30 but NO JOKE...I am already showing major signs of menopause.(my mom did too at my age) I feel like a crazy woman just from that LOL!!! NE ways, I hope that doesn't sound silly to "remind yourself" but I know it helps me LOL! Every one deal differently. BIG HUGS! It is ok and even crying/sobbing is a normal reaction. Sometimes it is good "therapy" to get those emotions out that way. It is Healthy to talk about it too just like you did here. That is GOOD!! OK really stepping down now!

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  10. As you said, a blog is a window into people's lives and what they post is what you know about them. I'm certain all mothers have bad days... those moms might be choosing to leave only the good parts on their blogs... that's their decision.

    From what I read through your window, you take through care of your children, manage the house well, and deal with sudden bouts of being a single mother with very few downturns. You are entitled to downturns, that's what life is about. Especially when you're preggo, burnt dinner and feeling down happens.

    Thanks for the hospital info. I own a pair of black work out pants that I actually hate. Why I never thought of that, I don't know. You're awesome. Just say "I know."

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  11. I completely agree with you! I also feel like one of the few moms who DOESN'T have it all together. Case in point...I was sobbing last night as I attempted to get my daughter to go to sleep for like the 6th time. She recently has refused to sleep anywhere but in my arms. Not sure what to do or how to handle it. I think there needs to be more support from moms to other moms...and not spend all our time acting like we've got it all together. Hope today is better for you!!!!

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  12. "What's wrong with me?"

    Nothing!

    It's obvious how much you love your family, and at least from here, I'd say you're a great mom. Your honesty about your frustration is refreshing, because I would bet every mom (and stepmom!) feels like this some days, and too many of them try to pretend everything's fabulous and they're handling everything great and their kids are perfect and they just made 6 dozen elaborately decorated cupcakes with one hand while scrubbing the tile grout with a toothbrush and getting a PhD with the other.

    A confession like this doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. And it makes me like you even more. Hang in there!

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  13. Okay, being an outsider to this as I have no kids and also being a fairly new follower I don't know how much I can help. However, I do have three sisters (two older and one younger) that have children who I have been able to be close to during their ups and downs as mothers and like alot of these women are saying, you are NOT alone here! The children are not always going to behave or eat their dinner or go to bed when you want them to but don't let this stress you out. ALL kids do this to their parents! Its not you being a bad mom, not being able to control your kids...Kids will be kids and kids try to bend the rules:p This would frusterate anyone after so many nights of this! And for you, to me you seem very warm, caring, encourging,and thoughtful. All of those ingrediants make for a kick ass mom which you just so happen to be! You love your children but that doesn't mean your not going to have days where you want time to yourself...Your allowed to feel this way! Its like when you get married, you cannot spend your entire day/week/year attached to the hip of your husband. You'd go batty! You need other relationships other then your husband to feel balanced and complete and same goes with your children. You need other relationships then just your children 24/7...Same as they need time outside the parents especially the older they get...Sounds like you need a day to yourself...No seriously...Hire a baby sitter and take a day to pamper yourself! And don't even THINK about feeling guilty that you need that...Your only damaging the situation more by denying that you need time to yourself and not taking it...Hugz! Glad you spoke out girl:)

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  14. I'm so so sorry, dear. You try your best - that's the most important part.

    You're also pregnant... you don't have the same energy and tolerance as you did before that happened, and from what I hear EVERY mother has these times.

    The only thing is - you're one of the very few that's bold enough to admit it openly! You're jealous of these moms that seem to have it together, when there's a 98% chance that they're dealing with the EXACT same things, and just afraid to admit it for fear that they'll be failing.

    You're NOT failing! You're a dang good mother and those kids LOVE you! Your husband may not understand what it's like, but if he did he'd NEVER be able to handle it.

    You're a mother. You're not perfect, but you LOVE your children and that's what they need. They don't know that you're force-feeding them because it's good for them. They don't know that you make them bathe so they don't get sick. They can't comprehend all of that, becuase their little minds tell them that the world revolves around them.

    I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I wish I lived close so I could watch them for you for a few nights or something. Maybe that's what you need - get a babysitter for a night or two and just relax. Sounds like it should be doctor prescribed!

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  15. I know you have read my blog and have seen how I have just about jumped off the motherhood cliff. Me and You and all the other mothers out there especially military mothers who have to do this on our own have and will be at that edge of not wanting to do this and we are not horrible mothers we just need a break. I come to your site because I love how funny you are but how real you are too. It's not real if there are no down sides.

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  16. You are a wonderful mother. Your boys know you love them with everything you have and that's all they want. Motherhood never glides along seamlessly, even for those who make it look easy as pie. It just never does. There's always a hitch in the get-a-long somewhere, even if all the bases are seemingly covered. Kids have a way of turning everything topsy turvy sometimes :)

    Don't beat yourself up too hard - every mom has those days, and sometimes those days tend to run together. Any woman who doesn't have those days as a mom isn't really involved with her kids, imho.

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  17. I'd place a bet that those mom's that are "so together" have ups and downs just like you are feeling but they just aren't putting it out there.

    I'm not a mom, but from all my friends that are, I've heard numerous times how they are feeling just like you are. It's normal and GREAT moms are still human.

    I don't know if you watch Oprah, but she had a great episode all about secrets that mom's don't typically talk about. It was quite eye opening and trust me, you are definately not alone!

    I hope you are able to work thru and let go of any self doubt you are currently feeling. Best wishes.

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  18. as a daughter of a single mom, i can say that i remember the days my mom felt like this. but as a (young) adult now, i love my mom more than anyone on the planet. all those times where she was stressed out and yelled or what have you, at the time i may not have understood, but i still knew that she loved me. and with my perspective now, the yelling i put up with from her was nothing compared to the stress i put HER through.

    anyway, just know that your kids love you and they know you love them.

    and maybe you should hire a babysitter (some 14 year old girl who loves kids) and treat yourself to a massage. and maybe a shower, while you're at it.

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  19. Needing time for yourself is not a crime! And it doesn't make you a bad mom. And my husband doesn't get how hard it is either sometimes and that, well, it just really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could whack him over the head.

    I think that you are a fabulous mom, and you know what? Even if you weren't, kids are resilient creatures. You love them, and that covers an entire multitude of sins.

    And sometimes, I have to quit reading those "perfect" blogs for awhile. ((HUGS)) to you, hang in there.

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  20. those moms whose blogs seem perfect, and THEY seem like they have it all together? They're lying...they're sanitizing for the general public, because they don't want the world to know that they complain...that they do indeed burn dinner and want a break...a long break...like, how about a WEEK AWAY from the kids? They're LYING...you're NOT.

    You are about as real as it gets. You KNOW you are doing what you can, and it's NOT the best for you, your kids, your spouse, but it's what you can give RIGHT NOW.

    And as for the kids? If you do not own one, GET A DS....allow DASH-1 to play it and DASH-2 will gladly watch...for HOURS, non-stop, particularly if you put a game like Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga in the slot and have at it. Keep it for times such as these. We were able to sit through a mortgage signing, a 3 hour blue-tape house walk-through...a four hour dinner...with minimum whining.

    And yes, I'm a horrible mom for letting my kids play a video game for that amount of time. I know. I've irreparably harmed them, I'm sure. But I had that small bit of sanity...and it helps.

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  21. Mrs.,

    We all feel that way sometimes. Some are just more vocal about it than others. I have borderline meltdowns every 15-20 days if I don't get a break from mommyhood.

    I wrote a blogpost this week about the need for moms to take a break. Check it out if you get a chance.

    http://christianmommywriter.blogspot.com/2009/05/take-break-for-goodness-sake.html

    I bet it would be helpful for you to get some free time without the kids. Maybe you can get a babysitter every once in a while. That's what I'm looking into, well, actually Mom's Day Out programs.

    And by the way, I miss using the bathroom by myself too! :-)

    It's going to be alright.

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  22. I *heart* you and your blog. I write a lot of fluff pieces and stray from some of the deep stuff 'cause I'm not one of those who was smart enough to keep my blog secret from family.

    One of the key things you wrote is this, "I know I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I am blessed, truly blessed to have two amazing children in my life and one on the way." You also made reference to feeding them, caring that they aren't staying put in bed and bathing them. All things good parents do.

    Life happens at the speed of life and throw a couple of kids in the mix is enough to make a preacher drop an F-bomb.

    It happens to everyone and those who won't admit it are either hopped up on too much Prozac or have the zip code of denial.

    Each of us has our reasons for why we write what we do and how. Some of us are afraid their mother in law will drop dead of a heart attack if she knew what was really going on behind closed doors. Sometimes I feel my writing is nothing but whining and I have nothing positive to contribute -hence the almost month long blogging blank at my place. I'll be back one of these days with a vengeance.

    Hang in there, sister. If I ever find my way moseying anywhere near you, I'm so taking an interstate detour. Stay tuned for a self-invite :)

    You've got a lot of e-support and, while it's not a solid shoulder to cry on, it's shoulders none the less.

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  23. I wish I would have read this post yesterday, because I was having that kind of day, too. And I've only got the one. I wasn't happy with myself at the end of the day. I don't know if that makes you feel any better or not but at least you know you aren't the only one who feels that way.

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  24. you're a great mom. just fyi - i'm having one of those crap days too...

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  25. I just read this, and want to say thank you. I just had a day like that today and part of last night. My husband totally doesn't get it. He even said he would gladly take my SAHM position...HAHAHA, I would love to see that.
    But I am glad I found your blog, it is great for a new AF wife like myself to read. =) And keep up the honesty and happiness too.

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  26. i tried to comment earlier - not sure what happened. guessing a child thing.

    anyways i wanted you to know that i get it. i have been in that mommy hole for awhile now - just recently dug myself out. the mommy gig is hard. someone forgot to tell me that.

    i appreciate your honesty. and you are not alone.

    hoping you dig your way out soon.

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