Tuesday, December 2, 2008

rambles

Sometimes I don't know what to write about on here. Do I stray into my serious thoughts and feelings or just go with the light hearted, funny kid stories that are never, ever, in short supply around here?

Is the serious stuff just a downer? Or is the funny stuff just fluff?

I'm sure its of no real surprise to people if you've read a few post back that I'm a smidgen down lately. Not curled up in the fetal position rocking in a corner depressed but a little down. Life is going on, laundry is in the washer, the kids are fed and in a little bit we'll be off to karate, the Christmas tree is up and decorated. Life is back to where it was a couple weeks ago.

Except for a longing that I have. I cant really speak for flyboy and I wont too much here, that's not really my place. We've talked about it and I know he's upset.

But I think we are standing on opposite sides. Or not so much opposite sides, we are just coming at this from different places. He is standing on the practical side of the river and I'm waving to him from the emotional side right now. And its a friendly wave, not the one finger kind.

I think flyboy and I are actually more on the same page then he thinks. In the next few weeks we are hoping to learn more about his schedule for the next year and if there might be deployments. If something big is on the horizon, obviously its not the best time to try to get pregnant. If it looks like things are staying status quo then I say we go ahead and let things come as they might.

I hope he understands where I'm coming from. A few weeks ago I was feeling like I was at a good place. Motherhood comes with its own frustrations but I was happy being the mom of two. Then I thought I would be the mom of three, then back to two, and now I want to go back to three.

I didn't have any baby jealousy. You know when you see a cute little baby or a pregnant woman and think, "oh I'd just love to have a baby right now, so cute so cuddly, ah" and then drift off imagining all baby love. I didn't have that, I was very content with the stage of my kids life that I'm in.

And then I thought we were starting in on pregnancy and babyhood again and I was excited. Really excited.

And now there isn't a baby coming. At least not in the next nine months. And now I have a longing for a baby. When I see a baby or a pregnant mom to be I'm jealous, I'll admit it. I wasn't before and now I am.

I'm not looking to replace the baby lost with a new one, at least that's not my intent. I see it more as I was so nervous and apprehensive about having any more until I was faced with it. We sat down and looked at the sticking points and realized that they weren't the huge hurdles we had thought they were. I'm confident that we can take it on. So why not just get on with it? And really, when you factor in how many days a month one can actually get pregnant and then try to figure that out around a military schedule, it could take MONTHS.

Oh who knows.

You know what I'm really thinking about now is that of all the times for my husband to know about my blog. Lord I hope he's not at work reading this. I hope he doesn't mind our reproductive woes being out there.

See I should just stick with urinal cake stories and things my little one shoves up his nose.

17 comments:

  1. I, for one, am glad you shared. Though I do love the urinal cake stories, it is nice to hear the raw honesty here.

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  2. I'm so sorry! I have no idea what you are going through but I wanted to lend a sympatheic ear and a HUG!

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  3. I'm glad you decided to share. While I too love all the funny stories, it's posts like this that really help make bloggers real people and not just computer personalities.

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  4. I know how hard this can be and I don't think that you are looking to replace the baby you lost. I think you're just looking at the realistics of Flyboy's schedule in a different way than you used to, especially because 'some time in the future' always gets rearranged in this lifestyle. The one piece of advice I can give you is to stay honest and communicate about how you feel regarding all this with Flyboy.

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  5. first i think you are brave for sharing. second you need to know that this kind of "healing" takes awhile. trust me.

    extra hugs coming your way.

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  6. Thank you for sharing. As much as I love reading poop and urinal cake stories, it's really nice to hear raw, uncensored honesty too. Let's face it, life isn't all poop and urinal cakes! :)

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  7. I love all your stories, the good, the bad, the funny and the sad, it's real life, which is what drew me to your blog in the first place, and kept me around for almost a year! (yeah, it's been that long)

    So I have a funny story for you. Have you seen "baby mama"? It's a movie with Tina Fey and Amy Pollard from SNL... anyway, I highly recommend it for a good laugh, hillarious (in my opinion) but be forewarned, it's all about she wants a baby... and is having trouble getting pregnant, adopting, etc. Just don't want you to sit down to watch and then hate me.

    ANYWAY (I have a point, I swear) I was watching this movie last night and there is a part where her sister, who has two young children (probably 4 and 3) is talking with Tina and her son comes in with brown stuff all over him. The mom kneels down and is like "Tyler, what do you have all over you? Is that chocolate or poop? Tyler, is that chocolate or poop?" and then she smells him and licks it and goes "ha, it's chocolate" and Tina Fey freaks and goes "What if that had been poop?!" - when she licked it and laughed saying it was chocolate, I thought of you :).

    That might not come off nearly as sentimental and complimentary as I wanted, but rest assured, it's a compliment to your witty writing, stories, and super adorable funny boys!

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  8. It takes guts to share the personal stuff. I hope that you and flyboy talk it out and figure out what is best for you and your family.

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  9. I am so glad you shared. I enjoy the fun stories, but I appreciate the honesty even more.

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  10. I am glad you shared. I think sometimes we feel like we should put on a happy face to the outside world when we are feeling down. I think that of all places you should be able to be honest on YOUR blog. The other thing is that in this particular situation, I think you can affect someone who is going through/has gone through the same thing. It might be helpful to someone out there to hear someone else's emotions who is going through pregnancy loss. Or you can help someone who hasn't gone through it have more understanding.

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  11. I'm glad you're writing about your feelings here. It's a good outlet- and you know all your readers want to support you however possible.

    I know there's nothing I could possibly say to make this better for you, just know that I'm so sorry you're going through it and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. I am glad you shared. It is very brave of you. I also think it helps to get things out, even to a computer screen!

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  13. I'm glad you shared here. I feel baby envy sometimes, tinged with fear. We haven't started trying yet, but for reasons I shouldn't share on a blog I'm afraid of infertility.

    I hope that his schedule makes it easy for you guys to try again.

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  14. oh dear.....it's a rough road, and I'm so sorry you're having to go down it. Keep praying, and although it hurts, it's okay to feel all of these emotions because they are oh-so-real. Hugs to you! I'm hear if you need to chat!

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  15. After reading your post, I posted my own Debbie Downer. (Thanks for passing on the vibe :) I think it's good to get these things out...thanks for prompting me to vent mine as well. As a tribute, I even linked you...

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  16. You goota vent its important and healthy. Its no wonder your still depressed. It hasnt been very long and you went through a very traumatic thing. Let yourself be sad. You can grieve. Its ok. And you can share

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  17. I just want to give you a big hug and say I'm praying for you!! I laughed a lot while reading your blog this morning at 4 AM! (and I love hearing your heart, too)

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I'm not going to lie... I live for comments. Nice ones that is.