Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Enough already

Can I just say I am so tired of hearing people keeps score in life? I mean we all do it to some extent. Even me, in my infinate wisdom, is sometimes guilty of thinking (and saying) "I do blah blah blah around here and you do what?" to flyboy. I am working so hard on not doing this. Its not fair to him, or to me, or to our little family. Nothing is positive is gained from it, just nastiness, bitterness, and resentment. None of these things are exactly pluses in a marriage now are they!?

I am a memeber of a couple online mommy boards. Yes its the 21 century you have to go online to meet other moms and set up playdates! I know I know you all are sitting out there laughing at me, but come on how else do you meet other moms in an area where you are the outsider.... at the bar? So anyways when I first found these boards I was so excited, I would meet new moms and get to get out with the boys and have some fun. Yeah. I over shot that one a bit.

First and foremost there are two other military moms on there, not that we are some elite class but we do lead a lifestyle that is a little different. Oh well I dont need other military moms. I'll settle for a few normal ones. And I did find a few nice friends up here and Dash-1 has several little girl friends (there is a boy shortage up here!). But I've noticed when I go on the "boards" to check in that lately its just filled with... well... whiners.

I suppose I'm whinning about this but really its amazing. Not to spill all the beans but a small example is a mom who said shes tired of her husband always complaining and filling their lives with negativity so shes going to keep a complaint log about how miserable he is to be around. Ummmm yeah thats going to really help. I'm so tired of hearing about how lazy your husband is and how when he gets home at the end of his day all he does is sit around, how you do it all, blah blah blah. I'm sure that is frustrating. I have a great husband who when he's home, he comes right in and sits with us while we do bathtime before he's even taken off his flight suit and boots. (Althought lets be honest he can keep that flightsuit on as long as he likes.... wink wink)

But also that being said, there are single moms on that board who really are doing it all. And please, your complaining that you had to give you kids a bath all by yourself because his dinner meeting ran late. Get a life. Let's see how you would do when Uncle Sam ploops your ass down in the middle of somewhere and you get to do it by yourself for weeks and months at a time. (hmmm... thats kinda keeping score now isnt it?)

I tried to point out on the boards once during a giant husband bash that perspective is an amazing thing. The perspective that things could always be worse.

I was so worried when Dash-1 had to have an endoscopy and be put under, until I got to the hospital and had to walk right past the childrens cancer wing. It didn't negate my worry but it did help me to be thankful that we had a small, very small plight, versus the long, uphill battle that sometimes ends in utter tradgey for others.

I tried to get them to see that while you're angry that all your husband wants is to sit around and demands his dinner that at least you had someone to eat with, someone to put the olive branch out to and cuddle with on the couch maybe. It was something and perhaps looking at the positive side might help the situation change or at least change your view of it. After all, negativity begets negativity so whats not to say that positivity cant beget positivity. (I'm not sure if thats a word, positivity, but I like it.)

Just in case your wondering, my whole try a positive approach went over like the Hindenburg. Actually that was probably a bigger success.


  1. That is exactly why I try not to complain too much while my husband is only gone 10 days. It could be worse! I have many friends who's husbands are gone for month's at a time and they survive. Surely I can make it 10 days. I miss him terribly but, it could be worse.

    I agree that too much negativity and husband bashing is never a good thing, it only makes it worse. These ladies should be grateful for what they have and maybe if they would stop complaining about life they might actually see how blessed they are. Not to mention that their husbands might be more willing to lend a hand if they didn't grip at or about them all the time.

  2. When I was reading it toally reminded me of a girlfriend group I'm in... they're all military girlfriends but sometimes stuff is posted complaining about their significant other while he's actually home and all it does is make me wana stay away.

    Granted a complaint every now and then is warranted, everyone needs to vent (I know I'm not perfect either) but I totally agree with your perspective theory :) - oh and the uniform theory *wink*

  3. Ok Ladies, let me share a little secret, I did 26 years, I did a year in Korea while my wife was home with 5 kids, there is no doubt in my mind that the time was harder for her than me, I think husbands are supposed to come home and be nice, just so you know.

  4. I used to belong to a newly-married site and the girls there were very much the same--they cooked, they cleaned, they did EVERYTHING while their husband was playing video games, out with his buddies, or whatever. Once Greg and I were separated when he went TAD for 7 months, I was always thinking, "oh, please let me have your problems!" If I have a problem with DH, I talk to him about it instead of writing nasty things about him on the internet. I'm not sure what they think that's going to solve.

  5. It does seem sometimes that most of those forums and boards (no matter the topic) get filled up with so much complaining and bashing. I haven't looked at mom sites, but I do have several money boards I look at (gotta maximize that military pay!), and yikes, people are unforgiving.

    And you know, I'd ALMOST say I'd like to have some of these people's problems, but, really, I wouldn't. I'd rather have my husband, who has to deploy a couple times a year, but is fantastic about helping out when he's home. That's one of the first things that attracted me to him; he always jumped in to help as soon as someone asked. Deploying is something we can work around; a husband that ignores me isn't so easy.

    But it still doesn't solve anything to just cry about it on the internet versus trying to work it out with him! (I do think it's ok to ask for advice and vent a little, but that doesn't seem to be what most people do.)

  6. I have to say whenever I have a problem with Adam, Adam is the first to hear about it. The buck stops there. I would not want to let anyone into that personal space where we work out problems. It would feel so dishonest, like why am I here in the first place? On top of that, how do you think your husband would feel if he happened to read that?!??

  7. If Stonewall or I have a problem, we tell each other about it, not some random forum on the internet. I understand that everyone needs to vent to a neutral party at some point or another, but I can't see how it helps to simply bash your hub to complete strangers.

    I completely agree that things could always be worse and you just have to learn to compromise. I used to get super PO's because Stonewall never cooked, but I'm not a chef myself. Now though, I'm ok with cooking because then it means that I get to watch all my girly shows (Project Runway, ANTM, Idol) with no peeps from Stonewall since I made him dinner. If he cooks, its the other way around.

  8. I totally agree with you that an ounce of perspective can go a LONG way. I recently had a miscarriage, but I comforted myself by remembering that at least I can try again with my husband, unlike the women whose husbands have died in Iraq. Or at least we *can* get pregnant, unlike infertile couples. I have so much to be happy about and thankful for...and there's always someone out there who has it worse than I do. I try to remember that every day, and I too like to surround myself with people who think positively as well. Every day in life you make a choice, either to be happy or to be grumpy. Some of these whiner folks need to make a different choice every day!

  9. Yup. Sometimes don't you just want to say "Shut up and get over your bad self"! Been there, done that. (but I suspect I've been the one griping a few times too and it's so good to have this reminder to be grateful)

    You're so right about perspective. Let me share something: I pretty much lived in the Peds cancer ward 24/7 with Dillon for 6 straight months. (when he was 2 1/2 he was diagnosed with kidney cancer- J was in Korea the entire time.) And it was that very situation that taught me that there is always someone who has it worse. Believe me, every day on that floor there'd be a child struggling oh so much more than Dillon was. It just so happened, the cancer clinic was right next to the neurology clinic- and that was worse in many cases too. But the funny thing is, the parents who were dealing with the absolute worst of the worst case scenarios in many cases were the ones who had the most positive attitudes and complained the least. Isn't that something? It sure did humble me and teach me a valuable lesson.


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