Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My take on marriage

Before I get into my take on marriage, I wanted to say thanks to everyone for the thoughts and prayers concerning dash3 and his "smallness". He's doing well and I'll do more on it in the next day or two, I just want to talk to flyboy first. He's away right now and while I doubt he's penciling in time to read my blog you never know. That could be awkward.

Anyways, to marriage.....I was getting the mail and flipping thru Glamour and saw a thing about the things no one told you about marriage, now I haven't actually read the article, someone dumped water all over the kitchen floor and someone else was putting straws up his nose.

Another calm moment in the flyboy house.

But it got me thinking about when we were first married and I realized that marriage is a hell of a lot harder then it looks.

Now just so everyone understands, I love my husband. A lot. A whole whole lot. The inscription on his {first ring that fell into the recycling machine at BJ*s and is no longer with us} read "my life, my love, my friend" and let me tell you, I mean that with every fiber of my being.

But still, I found myself waking up the day after our wedding and looking at him while he was still sleeping thinking "holy shit I'm with him for the rest of my life?!"

{Would you know, when I told this to flyboy a couple months ago he was insulted?! Really I was just being honest with him about the enormity of marriage not the fact that he was snoring or anything.}

So here are a few things, not so much that no one told me about marriage but more what I wanted to tell you about marriage {and find out what you wanted to tell me and everyone else}....

1. This is an obvious one... marriage takes work...some work from him, some from you. But heres the thing, sometimes you need to put more work in. Sometimes you're the one giving 60, 70, shoot 85% and on the flip side, sometimes you'll be the one taking more.

If you keep score you'll go crazy and probably become a nasty, bitter human being who when you get out of the car at the end of the driveway to get the mail the car doors will be locked and they will speed off with out you. Don't keep score. Just know that marriage is not always equal but it will even out in the end. If that makes any sense.

2. Much like the keeping scores, don't play games. Scrabble and monopoly are cool {except don't make fun of your wife for using poop and fart as a word in scrabble} but setting your husband {or wife} up for failure just isn't gonna work out real well.

Like saying over and over, "oh I don't want anything for valentines day, no really, I don't need anything, please don't get me anything" and then come v-day, you get nothing. Except for mad.

Not fair. You said nothing and were hoping for some great romantic gesture. Well that doesn't always happen. Some guys don't work that way and its not any great indication of how much or little he loves you, its just the way they are.

So now I say what I want, I don't need much, I just want a card. Shoot I don't even need a card, just write me a little love note on a post it.

Reasonable expectations folks. It helps. A lot.

3. It's perfectly normal to roll over sometimes at night and look at your spouse sleeping and think, I could just put this pillow over their head......

It's not, however, ok to act on that. That is not cool.

Or is this just me? {Again I love my husband, but we annoy each other and that's normal.}

Seriously, sometimes marriage seems impossible. Sometimes the lows seems so low, sometimes and this is just between you and me..... you can just hate your partner. shhhh don't let that one out.

I think the real key here is that those times should be few and far between, but like anything in life, marriage is not always lollipops and unicorns {although it is like a slumber party sometimes, see more below}. ITS OK. It's ok to feel like this. I'm pretty certain that even the best marriages have bumps and warts.

4. When you are going thru a bumps and warts phase, careful who you share this with. By all means, have someone who you can confide in but don't share all the ugliness {you can share some but in moderation folks} with your mother.

Why you ask? 'Cause moms, especially when it comes to their baby's {and no matter how old you get you are your mommas baby} have a loooooooooong memory. Like elephant memory long.

Those are the animals with long memories right?

5. Marriage has made me independent. I was young when I was married, a few months after turning 22 so now that I'm close to 30 growing up can probably be credited with some of this.
And surely, being married a military man has had a lot to do with it, but I also think that so much of that comes from knowing that someone has my back.

I know I can stand on my own to feet and I have the strength to do it because when I don't, I know I can depend on him to carry me.

This isn't always literal in a military marriage, there are times, a lot of times, when he's away and I'm wading thru muck on my own and its easy to feel alone, but I know I'm not. I know that where ever he is, no matter how busy he is, he's there for me. Even if its just some weird soul connection kinda thing.

{I know flyboy probably just rolled his eyes if he's reading this somewhere. And that dear is why even with our soul connection I want to put a pillow over your head. love you kisses}

6. There are times that marriage seems like one big slumber party.

{I mean if you had bills, screaming kids, and in laws at your slumber parties.}

Really though, there are times when we are just hanging out in bed or relaxing together that I look at him and ask him if he wants to braid hair or paint our toe nails. {This usually gets a "look" response} Sometimes I'm amazed at how much fun being married can be.

Boy if the first is this much fun what's the second one going to be like.....

And of course, there is always the smattering of little things, I figured since he was a rifle expert, he wouldn't pee on the floor, I mean you can shoot an itty bitty bullet on a target way far away, surely you could hit a big ol bowl. And I'm sure he figured I could learn to close cabinet door, especially since he reminds me constantly how much it annoys him. Ya know those kinda things.

Hmmm, now that I look back over my list nothing here seems earth shattering new. Sorry about that folks. Whataya know, I'm not on the cutting edge of some new development in marriage.

Anything you want to share about marriage? The good, the bad, the ugly, the snarky?

27 comments:

  1. I love this. Considering I'm still getting used to marriage. I mean, we have been married for 2 years, sure, but haven't even lived together for a full year yet. And boy, I can't tell you the number of times I wanted to slap him upside the head (or as you put it, put a pillow over his head). But at the end of the day, I know my life is better with him on the bad days than my good days would be without him in my life. If that makes sense. And that helps me keep it in perspective. But, boy do I have to really remind myself of that some days! :)

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  2. Totally agree! I got married at the age of 18, to a Marine, and from the get go it was a learning experience. We lived in different countries for the first 6 months of marriage, then of course once we did live together it was sporatic at best due to being in the field, CAX, deployments, duty, etc. And yet it seems like a lot of the distance made us communicate so much better. We wrote letters and learned what was important and what wasnt. One thing that I value more than anything is my letters from Iraq, sometimes written on the backs of MRE boxes... It will always be a reminder that once upon a time, we would have given anything to just be together. We try to appreciate that time (though it definitely takes work sometimes, ha!)

    I love this post.

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  3. i love this and totally agree with all your points. i think the thing i learned is not to take myself too seriously. when i get all heated up about something dumb, i usually end of laughing and then it's all over!

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  4. You nailed it when you said "don't keep score" It's not a game, it's not a contest and you WILL be bitter and ugly and it always ends poorly.

    Great post!

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  5. Awesome post! And oh so true. The pillow comment made me LOL which made J look over and ask what was so funny. I didnt have the heart to tell him ha!

    I have to try the braiding hair comment in bed. Usually our slumber parties deal with quilt battles, pillow fights, and dutch ovens.... did I just write that out?


    Marriage *IS* fun but marriage *IS* work... non stop, never ending, all the time work. If you have the right guy and you're willing to compromise on your end once in awhile, totally worth it. Doesnt mean you wont want to smack him upside the head once in awhile yelling "DORK"! Im sure J thinks the same thing about me =)

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  6. I'm hoping being married to a military man helps me to grow up some. It is one month till my 25th birthday and I still feel like a child sometimes... idk. We have only been married (almost) 2 years and like all the other military wives we have spent 1/3 of that time together.

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  7. You are an inspiration to us all. I've never wanted to suffocate my husband. But we've only been married 6 months, there have been time I wanted to give him a good whack on the head. I try to swallow it and remind myself that I do crazy stuff he hates too.

    I wouldn't put it past military husbands to read blog posts.

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  8. Love it! I have been married to my man almost 17 years. It took me 10 to realize that I can not change him into something that he is not. I love him for who he is. Why would I want to change that?

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  9. Haha I love the pillow comment! I have so much more to say about it but the right words don't seem to be coming. I've been thinking A LOT about marriage lately and about how I expected it to be easier than it is. The comment you made about sometimes you have to give more but at other times you'll be the one taking more really hit home with me! Thanks for giving me something to think about.

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  10. WOW, I am a new reader and I am so glad I started following. This is the BEST POST EVER!! When my husband I first got married, we HATED each other. We couldn't figure out the living together thing. The best advice I ever got was "it's O.K. to hate your husband as long as you reconsider within the next 24 hours". Great Post. Thanks.

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  11. Ahhh I love this post, it's so so true and the pillow comment is hilarious because it is true too lol

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  12. I love this post. I'm still nervous about how well I'm going to handle long seperations, so it is comforting to know that thru all the seperation, you still love and feel like you can depend on your hubs. Thank you so so much for sharing!

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  13. Rolling on the floor over here. :D So many truths. Yes, it does take a bit of work and it sure is worth it.

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  14. Are we twins, separated at birth? John stole my phone from me when I got to the pillows...then I glared at him when I finished and he said, "what? I didn't write it, I don't blog." I was just looking for my pillow personally

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  15. You are so spot on! One thing you definitely find out in marriage that you just don't get when solely dating are the nasty body functions your husband suddenly decides to share. Even AFTER you tell them that you just don't need to know...

    Oh and it doesn't matter how many years you dated before getting married guys are so not mind readers. They will NEVER get your body language ques about being ticked, upset, etc. so you just have to tell them and explain otherwise they will just go about their day.

    The pillow thing made me laugh so hard!

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  16. 1. It's good to know it's normal to consider putting a pillow over your spouses head occationally.

    2. You are so right about not telling your mother. Mothers do not forget!

    Awesome post.

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  17. Love this post! Glad someone else can love their husband as much as I do, yet still feel homicidal sometimes. And you are right, it ain't easy. It ebbs and flows and it's a give and take.

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  18. Lots of "yep, that's right" in this post =). I'm with you--on the hard work and the slumber party.

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  19. Sooooooo true! We've only been married a year, but I agree with everything.

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  20. I love the Mom part...so funny....so true!!!

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  21. Ooooh yes. YES. YES. YES. I love my husband dearly, but there are times I want to take some duct tape to that ever-flapping mouth of his.

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  22. Thank you! Not sure if I even qualify to comment on this since I'm not married (yet). But a lot of people have been talking about how hard marriage is recently. I think it's a coincidence and not a big plot to tell me something...
    I try to keep some perspective on the equal/not-so-equal division of work. Right now it feels like I'm putting in well over 80% but I know one day that will swing back and I'll be taking more than I give. Well, most days I remember that...
    Thanks, life coach! ;)

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  23. I like this post so much! Very true and I agree!
    kitchen tables

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  24. Totally agree with everything...esp about talking to your mom...wish someone had told me that!

    Great post

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  25. Totally agree! I love the 'realistic expectations' part too... I one time was SO mad at Pave, and my girlfriend asked 'what would he have to do to make you happy again?' I responded that I didn't know... she then said something that has stuck with me- "If you don't even know what would make him happy, how is HE supposed to know how to make you happy". Also, a girlfriend and I got married within 4 months of each other and I remember talking about how I knew marriage was going to be hard, just didn't realize it was going to be THIS hard... however, when I see friends of mine that are on their second (or third) husband, or still dating, I feel blessed that no matter what we are still together.

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  26. So obvi I am marrying your brother but I will still give my input. One thing that Rob is really good at is humoring me. I can be very needy about wanting to tell him little (but still extensive things) that are going on in my life and even though I know he doesn't care, he has learned to pretend he does, even if that only means he says "mmhmm" after I finish speaking. It makes me feel loved that he listens. I also try to do the same for him, for example, when Maryland fell out of the NCAA playoffs, I tried not to say "are you kidding, you're this upset?" and instead told him how sorry I was that he was so disappointed, and listened to his woes over how they'd had such a good season. I know he needed me to talk to, even if I thought it was silly.

    Another thing that Rob has me beat in, is not holding a grudge. Neither of us are really grudgy people, but he always ends up saying, usually after I've angrily turned over in bed, "This is not as important as how much I love you." And then when he says that, I feel dumb and guilty for being mad at such a wonderful, caring person. Then the next day we both give in and it turns into a lovey moosh fest. Of course we solve our problems, but it's all about perspective, and you should never punish the other person.

    Last, we ate popsicles in bed last night (which you would know if you were on facebook because I posted a picture of said popsicles, hint hint). We also rub our feet all over each other's faces, push each other off the bed/couch unexpectedly, and do other childish, sleepover-type things. Totallyyyy.

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  27. I totally agree with all of your points, 1-6! My husband and I have been married almost 7 years now and it has been A LOT of work. And I agree keeping score can be very dangerous!

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