Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Realization

There was a time when flyboy would announce that he was going to be going on the road that I would feel panic. Not when it was just him and I, sure it might have been a bit lonely when he was gone, but I've always been content by myself. I knew that he would back, be it in a few days, weeks or months, and that while he was away I could take care of myself.

When we had dash-1 it was a whole new ball game. He was an adorable baby but a fussy one. He had such severe reflux all he would do is cry and cry and cry. I remember clearly nights when there would be maybe, MAYBE an hour of sleep the entire time. We would take turns driving around town in the hopes of quiet.

That and motherhood, especially new motherhood, in a relatively new place, away from family, can be lonely. And scary. When I would hear what flyboy's schedule was I was terrified of the time alone to say the least. I feel like a bit of a wimp admitting that now but hey, the truth is just that. The truth.

I was nervous at being the solo person, in the zipcode, the state, sometimes the content, responsible for our little one. We did the cry it out method to get him into a sleep pattern and the thought of having to listen to him cry, sitting in our apartment all alone made me want to vomit.

Then dash-2 came along. The nerves from having one seems to have dissipated, he was older, sleeping better, we were in a groove. Again, I'm not going to lie I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how to balance two of them with only one of me. Bath time was tricky at first, keeping everyone present and accounted for when dash-2 was mobile took some getting used to but used to it I have become.

The point of this blather is something I realized today. No longer when he leaves do I feel some dread, I miss him, but I feel strong on my own. I miss the help, the companionship, I miss my boys getting to have their daddy around, that I miss the most, but I realize that I haven't felt that dread in a long time.

It dropped off somewhere along the way.

Somewhere, somehow, not even knowing it I shook it loose.

16 comments:

  1. I hear every word you've written in this post! Thankfully, my dread is gone too.

    I even set up a webcam by myself today. Bah, men. Who needs 'em. ;)

    Going to Danbury anytime soon?

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  2. Way to be independent! I'm pretty self-sufficient on my own but I'm not sure how I'd be after kids...hopefully I can be strong too, but I guess we'll see.

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  3. You are an inspiration to this future military wife. Everything you mentioned scared the CRAP out of me, but we get through it. Thanks for always sharing you stories, it gives me a lot of hope!

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  4. I'm with Nikki. The thought of doing everything 'alone' is scary. Of course his schedule won't have him gone for everything, but he will definitely be gone more than I would prefer. It helps to know that someday I'll get used to it. Someday...

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  5. You kickass woman. If I have me some kiddos while LT's still active duty, I will need your phone number. :)

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  6. What a wonderful post. I remember that dread so well from when my daughter was a baby. Sometimes I look back and wonder how on earth I kept it together. There is something about the strength that results from experiences like that.

    You've totally got me on the having two part, though!

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  7. Thanks for posting that. I'm still in the dread phase and it's good to hear from someone that has gone through it. We spent most of the holidays with family, so when we arrived back to our house the other day I had a bit of that sick feeling in my stomach.

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  8. Such a good post. Isn't it funny how that works? Everything is very scary and then suddenly you realize, well, you are DOING it. Then you realize you are doing it and not even really thinking about it and it isn't scary any more.

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  9. you are strong. stronger than I think i would be....

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  10. I so hear you here! I just had the same Aha! moment a few months ago when I learned what Oliver's schedule was going to be like this year. I won't say I was excited, but I didn't freak out at all. I just thought, ok, this will be interesting. I do appreciate that the baby is no longer an infant. And two, well, that hasn't turned out to be nearly as hard as I was afraid it would be on my own. I found myself telling another military wife dealing with her first deployment and first pregnancy that it gets better, and I'm so happy to be able to finally be able to say that to someone else and know that it is true!

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  11. You put it so well. I'd go even further: sometimes I even look forward to Stretch being gone a night or two so that I can put the kids to bed early and have some alone time!

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  12. Hmmmmmm......

    When Gunner deploys, I am okay.

    If he has been home for a long time (we're talking weeks, lol) and then he tells me he has staff duty or something, I kind of panic. I know I can do it, but I think it is more I don't want to do it alone, so he plans his dinner around their bedtime routine/bedtime mayhem to help me out. Maybe I am weirder than I thought? LOL

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  13. I'm still amazed by how strong you've grown and how well you've raised our boys in spite of my frequent absences. I miss you and will see you and the boys soon.

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  14. OOH, I get to comment right under Flyboy? How cool.

    I'll admit, I used to freak even when it was just us if he had to go anywhere. Mostly because I either a) didn't have a driver's license yet/hate driving b) had just been in a car accident or c) got 12 hours' notice that he was going away for months. The last time he was gone before I got pregnant, it really just felt like...well...like you said. It's just something that happens in our life. I'm sure the first time he deploys now that the Captain is around I will freak out all over again. But I know that, like you, at some point, I'll be confident enough in myself that I can be the single parent when I need to be. (sorry I am long winded with the comments tonight!)

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  15. that's awesome. i know that i can do it, that once matt is deployed that i can get up and go to work, but i think it will take some getting used to. i think i will become strong, i'm sure i won't start out that way.

    reading this is such an encouragement.

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  16. I can relate. I remember when the hub first left and everything was a big ordeal.. now i just take everything in stride. It's what we do as mili wives... and I think youve got it down to a science.

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