Sunday, March 9, 2014

Puzzled by pee

I'm puzzled by something.  Truly confused. My dear children, all boys, all of whom I'd give my life for, can not seem to get their pee IN the toliet bowl. 

Here's the thing, we don't have some odd ball, confusing toilet with a teeny tiny bowl.  I'm not asking them to get their pee in a hole the size of a teacup.  Its a standard toliet with a big ol' opening for them.

Yet everytime I walk into the bathroom, there is pee everywhere but the inside of the bowl.

I'm losing my mind.

I find myself having actual debates with myself about which is worse, stepping in someones pee or sitting in it. 

FYI, both piss me off something fierce and can elicit quite a colorful response.

This is going to catch you by surprise but as a mom and a woman, I don't have much experience standing up to pee.  Actually with the exception of one bullshit family vacation when I was 9 and we were "waterfall hunting" in the woods in Georgia I make it a firm rule that I don't pee unless my ass is firmly planted on a seat.  Some woman can squat, my superpower is holding it till I can sit on a clean toilet.

I've gone so far lately as to put a piece of tape on the floor and tell them their feet must be standing on the line when they pee. Thought for sure that would work.  Till someone got their pee on the line and then I was trying to get pee soaked tape off my floor.  {Insert another colorful response here}

I've told them that their legs must hit the bowl.  I've started making them come back in and wipe the seat off, I've made them sit in it {mom, that's so, so gross!}, I'm a week away from making them lick the pee off.  But I'm sure that's probably not the best parenting practice.

Here's the things I know wont work { besides all of the above}... sitting to pee and cheerios.  It ain't happening.  They are boys, they will be men, men stand.  Sexist I know what can I say, as it is I'm taking a break from being barefoot in the kitchen to type this.  I also know some people say put cheerios in the toliet.  That might have worked when they were little.  Trust me, if they can't be bothered to get it in the big hole, they can't be bothered to get the cheerios. 

So, I don't have many options left.  Just know that I will win this war.  Eventually.  I can not allow three males to go into the big bad world peeing all over the seat, I owe it to the three ladies they will one day marry.  I owe it to women everywhere.  I'm fighting this battle for all of women kind.

If nothing else works, I'm just going to start banishing them to pee outside.  Course, they'd probably like that.


  1. I read once about a bar in the Netherlands (I think) that painted a small black fly inside the urinal. They apparently saw a big reduction in splash-related cleanups because, well, men wanted to aim for something. Apparently you can buy stickers now - - same general idea as the cheerio but thought I'd mention it.

    (The company above even has stickers for kids - little targets and stuff)

  2. Oh girl. I have 1 40 year old husband & 1 14 year old son. Neither of them can consistently hit the interior of the bowl. I hope you get this one figured out & can post for the rest of us how you did it!

  3. Oh, man. I laughed out loud! You WILL win this war! :)


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