Thursday, February 27, 2014

Deployment Stride

I feel like we've hit our deployment stride.  About damn time, we are in week five.

There really is a reason for the dwell time, its to regroup, re-energize, forget the misery, get your balls ready for the next round that you know is inevitably coming, much like pregnancy.   We didn't have too much of that, six measly months. And he was still flying though not at his usual breakneck pace {but I can still tell you to the minute how long he was gone}.  I thought the lack of time would be better, we'll fall right back into our routine, the kids will be super cool this go round, and hey, clearly I'm super mom since I just survived 7mths on my own!  SUPER MOM!

Clearly, I was an idiot. That's what I was.  

A big ol' dummy dum dum.

Sure we fell back into our routine. I went back into being the solo parenting like a snap of the fingers. Deployment dinners made a quick comeback.  Even our constant box at the head of the table where we toss in good school work, pictures we made, and other random crap er, stuff to send hubs is back in his place.

I got a little cocky, like 3 days in, I got this shit. I'm making this deployment my bitch.

But. Then the kids go a week or two without talking to their father and one kid starts crying himself to sleep at night and another gets super angry that you wonder if you should get a taste tester.  He's pissed his father had to go away again. 

Then our credit card got compromised in the Target breech and that was a hot mess.  {Straightened out}

Oh and I got a collections bill in the mail from a past state I lived in. {Straightened out}

Then the third kid gets something that the military hospital told us could be flu or pneumonia but wont really narrow it down, all I know is I had a sick kid with a 104 fever I was still dragging all over creation.  {He's healthy now, after 2 wks}
Every time I go into the bathroom someone has peed on the seat and while I've offered some constructive advice {perhaps in a very loud voice} I'm not really seen as the authority figure on upright peeing. 

And its like -10 with 26 inches of snow on the ground.  {Hey tomorrow is -15!}

And I was in a nasty funk and while I'm hanging my head in shame I was guilty of not sending the nicest emails to my husband. Nothing outwore hostile, well, maybe a little. {I've nipped this shit in the bud}

And in case you are still wondering the oldest still hates me and the middle kid is still crying, although not as much.

Something had to give.

But then it hit me. I started this deployment in my mind as a continuation of the last deployment.  It's not. It's its own special beast that needs to be tamed.  A feat to be tackled. 

Now, he's still deployed, I'm still here, one kid still hates me and the other two are peeing on the toilet seat at the cyclic rate but I can make of it what I want.  And I don't want to be miserable.  I'm a parent, I don't need help in the guilt or misery department.

So I'm making this deployment my bitch. 

Yes it feels like we didn't have enough time in between.  On the bright side its not as long of a deployment. But whatever, it is what it is. I'm going to get healthier, I'm going to keep the kids as together as I can without totally becoming a pushover or opting to give anyone away.  I'm going to try to give each one of them the one on one time they so desperately need, while trying to do that some for myself. 

I can do this.  This isn't the first deployment I've knocked out, honestly, its all mental and I just had to come to that realization. Again.  6 months later.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The grass is greener

I started this blog back when I had {only} two little ones. My days were spent with tiny people who were totally dependent on me and while they had their own personalities and thoughts, let's be honest, I controlled their world.  Not to mention there were ONLY TWO OF THEM!

We woke up early and we just did our thing all day, conversation was at times limited, NO ONE napped so there was very little "me" time, and of course, hubs was always coming and going.  I thought those were the hardest days of parenthood.

I clearly was an idiot.

Just so you get what an idiot I was {and I'm almost embarassed sharing this whole revolation to the world} I actually looked at people with older kids and thought, lucky you, your kids are independent, you can have great conversations with them! Lucky you, you get to go hang out at sports and get out of the house! Lucky you, you don't have to wipe anyone's butt! 

This is was obviously a case of the grass is greener, because let me tell you, I'm starting that transition to the other side and some dog must have peed on all the grass over here cause it's got some big ass yellow patches. 

Dash1 turned 9 this month.  He's at that age where my sphere of influence is weakening.  Now, don't think for a minute I'm not saying I have no say in things, hardly, but he's starting to become aware of things.  For instance I got this gem a few days ago,"What's instagram, so and so was talking about it at school? Can I get one?"

In case you were wondering I told him it was a place for girls and Justin Beiber to post pictures of what they just had to eat and it was hardly age appropriate nor necessary for him to post his bologna sandwich so that would be a big ol no.

This afternoon he told me he was a horrible parent.  Trust me folks, I've heard that a couple of times and I don't usually take it personally, but this time, this time he almost spit it at me.  Someone's gotten to big for the britches and found them self on the business end of a bar of soap.

And no, I didn't wash his mouth out for saying he hates me.

I feel like we are starting to come to the crossroads of parenting where you say, I can't be their friend I have to be their parent. There are just to many a-holes in the world, I can't add to that. 

We have great kids, we are very lucky.  And I get that the past year with not one but two deployments isn't easy, but it can't be an excuse for defiant and disrespectful behavior.

I'm at a stage of parenting I really do enjoy, I do like being a mom, I promise. I like seeing my kids grow and become individuals, I enjoy sitting at the pool or football field and cheering them on, I am constantly amazed at their abilities to suck in new information. 

However, the attitudes I can do without.

I look back at the time where they were cute and cuddly and laugh that I thought those were the hard days.  Just like I KNOW I will look back in a few more years and kick myself for thinking the same thing now.

Parenting never gets any easier.  None of us have it figured out.  We are just trying our best.

Did you catch that people, I worked my blog title into that last line there. BLOG MAGIC!

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Deployments are like Pregnancies

I think deployments are like pregnancies. 

When you get that first faint line on the pregnancy test, no matter how much you have planned it you have that moment of Oh my God what has happened! What have we done?! Are we ready? No we aren't ready? Oh shit there is no do over!!!

Or maybe that was just my reaction.

Four times.

Depolyments are the same.  They come home with the news of them and you run thru all the varying scenarios in your head.

We got this. 

Time will fly by.

I'll get x, y, and z done while he's gone.

Then the moment to say goodbye comes and those first days are... kinda awful.  I found myself thinking to myself, no no no no no we didn't really want to do this! Let's undo this, send him home! 

{As if the powers of be care}

But then, moments turn into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months. 

You trudge thru. 

You have highs and lows. 

To go back to pregnancy, you feel the baby move and then 20 minutes later you have to pull over to vomit in a gas station parking lot.  But. You make it to the end.  God willing, you make it to that moment where it's all behind you, you have that glorious homecoming and you look back and think, not so bad, shoot I could even do it again!

Until you have too. 

And you go thru the whole cycle again.