Sunday, March 9, 2014

Puzzled by pee

I'm puzzled by something.  Truly confused. My dear children, all boys, all of whom I'd give my life for, can not seem to get their pee IN the toliet bowl. 

Here's the thing, we don't have some odd ball, confusing toilet with a teeny tiny bowl.  I'm not asking them to get their pee in a hole the size of a teacup.  Its a standard toliet with a big ol' opening for them.

Yet everytime I walk into the bathroom, there is pee everywhere but the inside of the bowl.

I'm losing my mind.

I find myself having actual debates with myself about which is worse, stepping in someones pee or sitting in it. 

FYI, both piss me off something fierce and can elicit quite a colorful response.

This is going to catch you by surprise but as a mom and a woman, I don't have much experience standing up to pee.  Actually with the exception of one bullshit family vacation when I was 9 and we were "waterfall hunting" in the woods in Georgia I make it a firm rule that I don't pee unless my ass is firmly planted on a seat.  Some woman can squat, my superpower is holding it till I can sit on a clean toilet.

I've gone so far lately as to put a piece of tape on the floor and tell them their feet must be standing on the line when they pee. Thought for sure that would work.  Till someone got their pee on the line and then I was trying to get pee soaked tape off my floor.  {Insert another colorful response here}

I've told them that their legs must hit the bowl.  I've started making them come back in and wipe the seat off, I've made them sit in it {mom, that's so, so gross!}, I'm a week away from making them lick the pee off.  But I'm sure that's probably not the best parenting practice.

Here's the things I know wont work { besides all of the above}... sitting to pee and cheerios.  It ain't happening.  They are boys, they will be men, men stand.  Sexist I know what can I say, as it is I'm taking a break from being barefoot in the kitchen to type this.  I also know some people say put cheerios in the toliet.  That might have worked when they were little.  Trust me, if they can't be bothered to get it in the big hole, they can't be bothered to get the cheerios. 

So, I don't have many options left.  Just know that I will win this war.  Eventually.  I can not allow three males to go into the big bad world peeing all over the seat, I owe it to the three ladies they will one day marry.  I owe it to women everywhere.  I'm fighting this battle for all of women kind.

If nothing else works, I'm just going to start banishing them to pee outside.  Course, they'd probably like that.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Perspective Needed

So my husband told me I need some perspective.  I refrained from telling him what I thought.

Ok. I lied.  I didn't refrain from anything.  It was a weak moment.

I do have perspective, I realize how very lucky I am everyday.  Its just been a kinda shitty week.  While I can never understand what he goes thru on deployments, he can't understand what its like to be the one left behind.  Left behind with life to deal with, coming at you at lightening speed, jumping from issue to issue.  Someone scratching your little ones face off at school, to another kid going on a multiple day total hunger strike.

To remind me why I'm so very lucky, I'm committing them to paper - or rather the interwebs, where Lord knows crap probably last longer these days.

I'm thankful that my husband is here or there, even if it means that it feels like he's anywhere but here, it means he has a job.

I'm thankful that I've spent $1700 in home heating oil in the last 3 mths, it means not only do I have a home, but I have the means to keep it warm. {or 63* but compared to outside that's freakin' balmy)

I'm thankful that although emails are short and hit and miss, we can have "conversations"

I'm thankful I'm writing big checks to swim and football, it means my kids are healthy, happy and involved.

I'm thankful that I sat in a bowl of cold toilet water this morning, it means finally, someone is figuring out to put up the flippin' toilet seat!

I'm thankful that my kids are dbags when my husbands away, hear me out on this one, it means they have a strong relationship with their loving, involved father who they miss terribly when he isn't home.

I'm thankful for Macklemore, who despite being an ACLU loving liberal douche makes some great running music.

I'm thankful for my treadmill, which is not my favorite place in the world, but I'm pretty sure it has kept me from killing someone in the past few weeks.

I'm thankful my inlaws are a-holes, because I'm closer to my SIL now that they are out of the way. And she's totally my deployment wife.

I'm thankful for twitter, twitter is fabulous, its more of a sanity saver then the treadmill.  And its good for a laugh and a time suck.

I'm thankful my husband tells me about the horrible things that go on where he is, it stresses me out immensely, but I realize how very precious life is and how I'm lucky that he's safe and sound.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Deployment Stride

I feel like we've hit our deployment stride.  About damn time, we are in week five.

There really is a reason for the dwell time, its to regroup, re-energize, forget the misery, get your balls ready for the next round that you know is inevitably coming, much like pregnancy.   We didn't have too much of that, six measly months. And he was still flying though not at his usual breakneck pace {but I can still tell you to the minute how long he was gone}.  I thought the lack of time would be better, we'll fall right back into our routine, the kids will be super cool this go round, and hey, clearly I'm super mom since I just survived 7mths on my own!  SUPER MOM!

Clearly, I was an idiot. That's what I was.  

A big ol' dummy dum dum.

Sure we fell back into our routine. I went back into being the solo parenting like a snap of the fingers. Deployment dinners made a quick comeback.  Even our constant box at the head of the table where we toss in good school work, pictures we made, and other random crap er, stuff to send hubs is back in his place.

I got a little cocky, like 3 days in, I got this shit. I'm making this deployment my bitch.

But. Then the kids go a week or two without talking to their father and one kid starts crying himself to sleep at night and another gets super angry that you wonder if you should get a taste tester.  He's pissed his father had to go away again. 

Then our credit card got compromised in the Target breech and that was a hot mess.  {Straightened out}

Oh and I got a collections bill in the mail from a past state I lived in. {Straightened out}

Then the third kid gets something that the military hospital told us could be flu or pneumonia but wont really narrow it down, all I know is I had a sick kid with a 104 fever I was still dragging all over creation.  {He's healthy now, after 2 wks}
Every time I go into the bathroom someone has peed on the seat and while I've offered some constructive advice {perhaps in a very loud voice} I'm not really seen as the authority figure on upright peeing. 

And its like -10 with 26 inches of snow on the ground.  {Hey tomorrow is -15!}

And I was in a nasty funk and while I'm hanging my head in shame I was guilty of not sending the nicest emails to my husband. Nothing outwore hostile, well, maybe a little. {I've nipped this shit in the bud}

And in case you are still wondering the oldest still hates me and the middle kid is still crying, although not as much.

Something had to give.

But then it hit me. I started this deployment in my mind as a continuation of the last deployment.  It's not. It's its own special beast that needs to be tamed.  A feat to be tackled. 

Now, he's still deployed, I'm still here, one kid still hates me and the other two are peeing on the toilet seat at the cyclic rate but I can make of it what I want.  And I don't want to be miserable.  I'm a parent, I don't need help in the guilt or misery department.

So I'm making this deployment my bitch. 

Yes it feels like we didn't have enough time in between.  On the bright side its not as long of a deployment. But whatever, it is what it is. I'm going to get healthier, I'm going to keep the kids as together as I can without totally becoming a pushover or opting to give anyone away.  I'm going to try to give each one of them the one on one time they so desperately need, while trying to do that some for myself. 

I can do this.  This isn't the first deployment I've knocked out, honestly, its all mental and I just had to come to that realization. Again.  6 months later.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The grass is greener

I started this blog back when I had {only} two little ones. My days were spent with tiny people who were totally dependent on me and while they had their own personalities and thoughts, let's be honest, I controlled their world.  Not to mention there were ONLY TWO OF THEM!

We woke up early and we just did our thing all day, conversation was at times limited, NO ONE napped so there was very little "me" time, and of course, hubs was always coming and going.  I thought those were the hardest days of parenthood.

I clearly was an idiot.

Just so you get what an idiot I was {and I'm almost embarassed sharing this whole revolation to the world} I actually looked at people with older kids and thought, lucky you, your kids are independent, you can have great conversations with them! Lucky you, you get to go hang out at sports and get out of the house! Lucky you, you don't have to wipe anyone's butt! 

This is was obviously a case of the grass is greener, because let me tell you, I'm starting that transition to the other side and some dog must have peed on all the grass over here cause it's got some big ass yellow patches. 

Dash1 turned 9 this month.  He's at that age where my sphere of influence is weakening.  Now, don't think for a minute I'm not saying I have no say in things, hardly, but he's starting to become aware of things.  For instance I got this gem a few days ago,"What's instagram, so and so was talking about it at school? Can I get one?"

In case you were wondering I told him it was a place for girls and Justin Beiber to post pictures of what they just had to eat and it was hardly age appropriate nor necessary for him to post his bologna sandwich so that would be a big ol no.

This afternoon he told me he was a horrible parent.  Trust me folks, I've heard that a couple of times and I don't usually take it personally, but this time, this time he almost spit it at me.  Someone's gotten to big for the britches and found them self on the business end of a bar of soap.

And no, I didn't wash his mouth out for saying he hates me.

I feel like we are starting to come to the crossroads of parenting where you say, I can't be their friend I have to be their parent. There are just to many a-holes in the world, I can't add to that. 

We have great kids, we are very lucky.  And I get that the past year with not one but two deployments isn't easy, but it can't be an excuse for defiant and disrespectful behavior.

I'm at a stage of parenting I really do enjoy, I do like being a mom, I promise. I like seeing my kids grow and become individuals, I enjoy sitting at the pool or football field and cheering them on, I am constantly amazed at their abilities to suck in new information. 

However, the attitudes I can do without.

I look back at the time where they were cute and cuddly and laugh that I thought those were the hard days.  Just like I KNOW I will look back in a few more years and kick myself for thinking the same thing now.

Parenting never gets any easier.  None of us have it figured out.  We are just trying our best.

Did you catch that people, I worked my blog title into that last line there. BLOG MAGIC!

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Deployments are like Pregnancies

I think deployments are like pregnancies. 

When you get that first faint line on the pregnancy test, no matter how much you have planned it you have that moment of Oh my God what has happened! What have we done?! Are we ready? No we aren't ready? Oh shit there is no do over!!!

Or maybe that was just my reaction.

Four times.

Depolyments are the same.  They come home with the news of them and you run thru all the varying scenarios in your head.

We got this. 

Time will fly by.

I'll get x, y, and z done while he's gone.

Then the moment to say goodbye comes and those first days are... kinda awful.  I found myself thinking to myself, no no no no no we didn't really want to do this! Let's undo this, send him home! 

{As if the powers of be care}

But then, moments turn into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months. 

You trudge thru. 

You have highs and lows. 

To go back to pregnancy, you feel the baby move and then 20 minutes later you have to pull over to vomit in a gas station parking lot.  But. You make it to the end.  God willing, you make it to that moment where it's all behind you, you have that glorious homecoming and you look back and think, not so bad, shoot I could even do it again!

Until you have too. 

And you go thru the whole cycle again.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Valentine Swap

I am finding myself without a Valentine for the second year in a row.

Actually that is not accurate in the least.  I have 3 valentine's.  And they are freakin' adorable.  But I can't eat the homemade cards they give me {but they are some of my most treasured possessions so don't think I'm a heartless cad} and they can't drive so that rules out buying chocolates at the store.

The one valentine I have who can drive is a bit pre-occupied at the moment and come to think of it he's missed more then the last two.... 

So that brings me to my idea.  For the first time in a couple years I didn't host the ornament swap.  That made me sad.  But I was getting ready for an awesome family vacation in Disney World so that made me happy.

My idea is to do a Valentine Swap! If you are interested please leave a comment so I can see if there is any interest.  It will be a $10 limit and there are no real guidelines, just let your Valentine Sprit take you where it wants and get your Valentine to your partner by V-day.  I like simple things and that seems pretty simple.

Spread the word and lets spread the cheer!

Sunday, January 26, 2014


Ummm, hey.  How's it going?

It's been so long since I've been on here that I couldn't even remember how to get onto this thing to put up a post. That speaks volumes doesn't it?

I could do the whole long winded update thing but if you are on twitter {and if you're not why aren't you} and if you follow me {again, why aren't you if you aren't?} then you know all the boring details of my life.  You're up to date on my Nyquil hangover, we survived a 7 mth deployment, that I'll lose my mind if they touch my commissary, both older boys played football and despite having to marry the sport it was fabulous and the uniforms are adorable, we just started another deployment but only for 3mths however dwell time is there for a reason and only having 6 mths between the last one and this one makes me feel like we are trekking up the Himalayas.  Naked.

Oh and we found a hidden mickey puddle at the mall the other day. 

Not making the best case for perhaps coming back on blogger am I?

I miss writing.

I miss having thoughts that are longer then 140 characters. 

I miss reading other blogs and having that community of other bloggers.

I miss you all.